Music to my feet

I have my own personal soundtrack.  I don't mean a playlist or an Ipod – my soundtrack is entirely self-contained .   I have been known to share it with the populace through humming and steering wheel drumming  if I am in a particularly good mood.   Saturday morning, I was in a very good mood.  We ran our last distance workout - 4.5 miles.

I have repeated that several times over the last few days, just testing out the general sound of it.  4.5 miles.  4.5 miles.  4.5 Miles.  Can you hear the backbeat, people?   This is Chariots of Fire, Eye of the Tiger and the Theme from Rocky in a glorious twisted mash up.   This is longer than the race that will cap my second NOBO outing on April 9^th.  It is longer than the distance from my house to downtown.  It is longer than I have ever run. 

It was, in fact, longer than many of us Nobo-ers had ever run.  Hands shot up and waved high when Natalie asked who had just bested their personal distance record.  Many of us had both hands up as if we could underline the magnitude of the accomplishment with the fortitude of the arm waving.  Two weeks shy of the race; we had just completed the distance.    

This is not the end of training, not at all.  We will reduce distance as we change up our intervals and work on endurance.  We will tackle Laurel Hill one more time before we meet it during the race.   We will remind each other to stretch and hydrate and stretch some more.   Natalie, ever ready to help, made sure I met someone on Saturday who could give me hydration tips for running in warmer weather.   Critical information if the race is on an 80 degree day instead of Saturday's lovely 50 degrees.

The importance of NOBO and the group that shows up each week really can't be overestimated.  Mary, Diane, Geneva, Felicia, Natalie, Jessica, Hazel and Loretta are just a few of the people who have looked me in the eye and told me that I could do this.   They are just a handful of the folks who have clapped as I walked, hobbled, ran, trudged or even sprinted into the parking lot at the end of a run.   In a nod to the outer music of the inner world, Natalie has been known to park her car and play "running" music as we arrive to warm up for a run.  

The last time I ran a race, my son made me a playlist and handed me his Ipod.  He had carefully crafted the mix to have slower and faster songs so I could lean into the music when my legs wanted me to stop or my heart needed a break.   He hit my favorites in the middle so I could use their energy to boost my own.   He realized, perhaps even more than I did, that distraction is often half the battle for me in running and that music replaces conversation when the run is a race and not my usual social event.

I don't know if I'll use the Ipod this time.  My own soundtrack, championship music all of it set to a 4/5 beat, is pretty loud these days. 

Good news in the end

I woke up late this morning.  This is not an excuse so much as an explanation.

 I woke up late and headed out the door to the run on autopilot.  A small voice in the back of my head reminded me that we had a trail run coming up.  I knew something was supposed to be different this morning, so I figured it was the trail run that was clicking in the background.  Proud of myself for remembering a detail on autopilot, I pulled into the parking lot two minutes after we were supposed to be running.  

I pulled into the parking lot and noticed….that it was empty.  It turns out that the trail run is Wednesday.  After sitting in the car feeling like an idiot for a few minutes, I realized that I had an opportunity in front of me. 

I could go home!  I could go out to breakfast by myself or read the paper.   There was absolutely no way I could make it to NOBO in time to join the group, so I was annoyed with myself but off the hook.   I could soak in the tub for an hour.  I could paint my toenails.  I had an unexpected hour available just for me.  The very possibilities made me giddy.

I went running. 

I smiled at the dog walking crew by the entrance gate, pulled on my Elmos cap and started jogging.   I've been paying attention to my stride and my heart rate lately.  Wednesday's workout was a challenging pleasure because I started at the back of the pack and planned to stay there.   As rising temperatures push my particular system buttons, I'm learning how important it is for me to travel slowly.   This morning, by myself, I was acutely aware of the various body cues I was receiving. 

First, I breathe really loudly.  I apologize to everyone I've ever run behind because it must sound like a truck is hanging on your heels.   I was jogging up a hill on the loop and I swear that I got a nod of recognition from the English bulldog panting his way down the hill in the other direction. 

Second, I am incapable of controlling my own speed.  This might explain the occasionally tense expression that crosses my passenger's faces when I drive on an open highway.  If there is nothing in front of me, I just keeping moving more and more quickly trying to get to whatever destination I'm headed toward.  This is a little foolish when running in a loop since most circles are well, circular.  I can go faster but it just gets me where I already am but much more tired and with sore feet.     There were several points during the run where I ran myself into stadium surround sound level of panting, requiring longer recovery intervals simply because I couldn't seem to move slowly.  

Third, I run better wearing a hat.  Don't ask me why.   It makes no sense, causes me to sweat more and is unnecessary while running on trails in the shady woods.   Maybe it's the Mardi Mask effect; I'm looser if I think I'm less identifiable.  Other people go to Vegas, I put on a hat.

Aside from the body cues, I heard quite a bit from the voices in my head.   I had the requisite chorus of negatives telling me to slow down, stop running and reminding me that I could have been READING.  But this time, I also had a large contingent of cheerleaders in there.  I was running, by choice, alone on a Saturday morning.   There was my favorite mentor, Felicia, who ran with me last week when my leg was cramping because she said, correctly, "If I leave you, you will start walking."  There was Neena, one of the Trail goddesses, who won't let anyone quit.   Natalie was all over that trail with me as was my friend Mary, who ran on Wednesday at the back of the pack with me and made me believe that she liked the slower pace.  

 I thought about having conversations with some of the NOBO crew where we  seem to talk more about what isn't working for us than on what is.  It's true.  We are acutely aware of what isn't going the way we want.  We tend to track that progress toward goal very tightly.  And yet…there we are, week in and week out, accomplishing things. 

I know that this is my last NOBO session for a while.  The increasing heat is causing me some problems with dehydration.  My right leg needs me to spend some time working on those weakened muscles if I'm going to avoid longer term problems.   Still, today was an unexpected gift.  I could see the shape of my running life in between NOBO-ing.  I finished the loop and remembered to stretch, realizing that we are awfully close to the end of this program.   The good news?  No matter what happens on April 9^th, a large part of this race is already run.

Wednesday

By all reasonable accounts, I shouldn't have gone running on Wednesday.  My daughter was sick.  My son was slammed with homework.  My husband is leaving in a few days for a two month trip.  I had a meeting with someone who was only in town for a week.  I shouldn't have gone running.  

Saturday's workout reduced me to tears.  My legs hurt.  My chest was on fire.  We completed the loop only to discover that we had missed a turn and only run 2 of the planned 3 mile route. How do you miss an entire mile?  What had felt manageable last NOBO just felt hard and depressing.  I shouldn't have gone running. 

I tried to run by myself on Monday.  I couldn't even get through a two minute interval without needing to stop and breathe.  I couldn't seem to regulate my speed so that I could sustain the pace at a manageable level.  I shouldn't have gone running.

It was raining and I didn't have a waterproof jacket, or my spy belt or a water bottle.  I definitely shouldn't have gone running.

I went running.

I went running and it felt pretty damn good. 

The first mile was challenging. The second mile was kind of exhilarating.  Mile three was somewhat peaceful.  When I rounded the corner and headed down the last stretch, I was almost dancing.  I felt a little like a drunk karaoke singer – It might have been embarrassing for everyone else but I felt like the real deal. 

I remembered the body adjustment suggested by the Chi running coach and discovered that gravity can actually be a force for good.  I started focusing on my arm motion and discovered that apparently my arms thought that I was trying to fly.  I'd been crossing my arms across my body and then swinging them out looking no doubt like a cross between a bad tae bo instructor and a bird recently evicted from its next.  Once I began swinging my arms in line with my body, I found a little boost to my speed.  Go chi running!

When I started NOBO, I did it for me.  It wasn't about my family or my job.  It wasn't about meeting someone else's expectations.   It became more than running.  It became more than the first race. 

I definitely shouldn't have gone running on Wednesday but I'm really glad that I did.

The Hills

I love hills!  I love hills!  I love..  Ok – I don't love hills.  I don't even like hills. In fact, I don't even have unresolved feelings about hills.  My feet don't like them.  My calves don't like them.  My lungs really hate them and even my shoulders are thinking of joining the movement. 

The mentors are trying really hard to teach me to appreciate the benefits of actively resisting the additional pull of gravity that hills add to the whole running mix.   Hills give you a better workout in a shorter distance!  Hills help your largest muscles develop and power the rest of your run!  Once you have learned to appreciate hills, you'll understand how wonderful they are!  

Really?  Do you promise?  Because right now I am not feeling it.  Right now my left calf is reminding me that I probably should have broken my shoes in a little more before I ran in them.   Right now my lower back is carefully telling me that I needed to stretch so much more.   Right now, I'm thinking that I might have to take another hot bath…maybe with wine.  Ok – that might not be run-related. 

I might have embraced the concept of the hill as a positive if I hadn't been in pain while I was running.  The pain started in early, traveling from foot to ankle to calf and eventually up to my hip.  I had "foot bone connected to the ankle bone" playing on my mental soundtrack as I jogged into the parking lot.  I bypassed the whole party tent to head over the physical therapists.  They may have been there to talk about the race and pacing, but I was desperate for relief and information.   

After patiently listening to me explain my complicated situation – my leg hurts, please make it stop – the experts had me walk, stand, and balance on one leg.  Then I balanced on the other leg.  Then I balanced on the first leg again while shifting my weight in various directions.  I learned two things.  First, I managed to get out primary school without learning left from right.  "Move your hip to the left. No, the other left."  Secondly, body mechanics are much more complicated than I ever understood.  It turns out that my leg pain is related to how my weight is shifting as I run.  Apparently, I'm asking my calf muscles to compensate for my lack of strength in other muscles and they are a little ticked off.    

My new running plan will involve extra stretching, strengthening exercises for my slacker muscles and probably, some more hills.  After all, I may not like what the mentors are asking me to do, but they have never steered me wrong.  Someday maybe I'll even really….not dislike hills quite so intensely!

A new kind of courage

"The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start."  John Bingham

I could feel my heart beating as we walked out of the parking lot on Saturday morning.  This is the thing I haven't gotten quite used to yet.  Each time I start out of the parking lot, there is that moment where I think I can't do it.  I think that this will be the day that I'm somehow unable to get from the beginning of the loop to the end.  It's just a quick hiccup, a momentary hesitation, but it doesn't go away.

I'm told that this is a normal reaction.   Running, according to the many many people who know better than I, is a largely mental act.   My aching calves may disagree, but the hardest part for many would-be runners is the idea of running.  Describe the process out loud at some point – perhaps while alone so you don't alarm your friends.  Left foot. Right Foot.  Faster.  Left foot. Right foot.  Faster.  Uphill.  Around the corner.  Try not to slow down too much.   Left foot. Right foot. Repeat.   Seriously, the thought that you will get up and voluntarily put one foot in front of the other – rapidly or not so rapidly – for some determined length of time with no destination sounds very strange.  If you add in the part about doing it early in morning, occasionally in bad weather while wearing unflattering clothing, you can perhaps understand why non-runners have been known to view runners as fundamentally differently wired.

This is why running has become a weekly exercise in trust for me.  I have to believe that my body is better than my mind might think.   The very first time out, I wanted to cry.  The chorus of negativity in my head was so loud that I think the cars driving by probably had to turn up their radios.  My first trail run made me think that I could only run on roads since I was so slow and clumsy as we single-tracked through the woods.   When I stood at the starting line for my race and could already feel the breathlessness reaching in towards me, my logical brain was trying to remind that I didn't HAVE to do this.  I could stop, sit down, relax.   I could stop.  I can stop. 

So why don't I?  I don't honestly always know. Sometimes, I'm just stubborn.  I channel my inner three year who is not going to nap.  I make bargains with myself involving chocolate, coffee, hot baths and new books.   Occasionally I have to promise one from each of those categories before I can tie my shoes.   It helps to have NOBO friends that I only get to see if I run.   NOBO swag is always a draw because I'm kind of a cheap date.    Sometimes it the silliness factor that gets me moving.  I never expected to run in a Halloween costume in my forties.  

Back in the Dark ages when I was in high school, we had an outdoor education program that included a ropes course.  At the end of the ropes course, you had to climb a tree, get onto a platform and leap out into space to catch a trapeze hanging ten feet away.   We were all connected to safety lines, so we weren't in any danger.  However, our brains, in an effort to protect us, pointed out that leaping into space fifty feet up in the air can have unpleasant consequences.  It took enormous faith to make that leap.  Each time I circle the route we are running, fast or slow, running or walking, in pain or flying high, I believe that I am capable.  I leap out and catch the trapeze.  I learn over and over that I can do more than I might think possible. 

You had me at 30 more seconds

I have a confession to make.  I'm in love my mentors.  

I didn't see this coming.  I remember – distinctly – the first time that one of the mentors said, "You can do it."   I didn't feel encouraged.  I felt annoyed.  I could not do it.  Did this woman not notice that my legs had become pistons of pain that weighed roughly twice what an elephant eats each day?  I had been doing this for a week – a week!  No, I could not do it.  In fact, I was at that point wondering what would happen if I just sat on the ground and waited until someone brought me something cold to drink and a replacement for the lungs that I clearly had misplaced somewhere back around the first interval.

"I know you don't believe me, because I didn't believe my mentors either, but when you are doing intervals where you run for four minutes, you'll remember this and be surprised that two minutes felt like a long time.  I promise."

At least, that is what I thought she said.  I didn't really hear much after "run for four minutes". I was too busy wondering why teleportation hadn't been invented.  I would have thought that breaking the laws of physics was a piece of cake compared to this whole running thing.

Six weeks later, I ran my first four minute interval.  My mentor, Felicia, was beside me. 

"How are you doing?" she asked. 

"I might be dying" I answered.

"No you're not.  You look great."

And she was right.  I actually did look pretty good and I felt even better.  The four minute interval, while making me question my general sanity sometimes, made everything else seem a little easier.   My knees didn't hurt so much when we started out.  I had learned that if I stuck with it, mile two was often easier than mile one.   Felicia was right.  I didn't tell her that, of course but I think she knew.

Now that I'm in my second NOBO, I follow the mentors around like a first grader looking for extra stickers from the teacher.  I ask them questions and have been known to smile when they tell me to push a little harder.   I've learned who will keep me on track and who lets me slide a little bit.  Each one of the mentors has made their own journey to this place.  There are trail runners who have secret names and seem to revel in really bad weather.   There are distance runners who hang with us NOBOers because they remember how it started.    There are runners who are only a NOBO session ahead of us and know on a visceral level how hard we are working.

Wednesday night's run was a challenging push through a hilly, twisty course that put me back into my pain zone.  I watched as Neena ran ahead to check on the group and then back to check on us at the back, easily doubling our distance.  She sang songs to make us laugh and somehow managed to time the course so we were always running as the hills came up.  She asked about individual pains from sore feet to wobbly knees and urged us to notice how much better we were doing.  

"You can do it" she said. 

You know what?  She was right.  I can.

Hubris

Have you ever mailed a letter, sent an email, left a phone message and then had that sinking feeling that you just put something out into the universe that is going to come back and bite you?   Wednesday's workout blog was my inadvertent "reply to all" in the workout world.   I was so impressed with myself for moving to the longer intervals that I convinced myself that it was because I was so ready to move on that forward motion was inevitable.

You can hear it, can't you?  The universal chuckling has been echoing my head since Saturday's extremely effective lesson in humility.   Saturday was a beautiful morning, sunny and clear.  Despite the predictions for warmer weather, it felt chilly so I put on my trusty turquoise and headed over to group 3, my five and one compatriots.   I felt a small tickle of unease when I realized our route for the day because it contained lots of hills.  Still, hadn't I been magnificent on Wednesday?  How much trouble could a couple of hills throw at me?  I have no problem walking when I need to, so I'd walk more.  How bad could it be?  

I think the voice in my head was trying to kill me.  Every time I hesitated, it whispered, "You can do this.  C'mon.  It's just running…  It's just a hill….  It's just a little cramp…."

Natalie, the NOBO coach, had been very clear in our early meetings.  "Listen to your bodies, people.  Learn what the signals mean."

Listening to my body is a critical skill for me.  Running with Dysautonomia sometimes feels like running with a time bomb sitting in my chest.  Because my body is often unable to regulate it's response to physical stress, minute changes in circumstance can have enormous implications.  Mild dehydration can start a chain reaction that sends me to the hospital.  The famous twenty degree temperature change runners dress for when they head out can be the difference between functionality and collapse for me.  Even being overtired can make it difficult for my muscles to move as expected. 

However, because I knew that I was Wednesday night superwoman, I overdressed and tried to run up the hills.   Interval one wasn't bad.  Of course, it was also flat.  I'm a big fan of flat.  By interval two, it was warming up and I was slowing down.   Interval three hit at the same time the first big hill hit.  I could say that I walked it but let's be honest.  There was trudging going on.   I had faded from group three to group two.  By interval four, group two was way ahead in the distance looking like an irritatingly perky mirage.   

I gave up on intervals. I stopped paying any attention to groups.   I jogged whenever I could muster a little more energy and then walked again. I took ridiculous comfort in long stop lights that required me to stand semi-still.  I took comfort in the fact that there were a number of people walking near me. Of course, I think that some of them may have just been taking their dogs to the park.  

Sometime in the last half mile of the loop, my breathing slowed and my brain rebooted.  It occurred to me to take off the extra layer of insulation.  The difference was amazing.  I remembered that Felicia had suggested breathing in a pattern when I struggling because that would help me focus on the path instead of the struggle. 

I didn't run into the parking lot in triumph at the end of the workout but I didn't sit down and give up either.  I walked a lot of that two and a half mile loop, but I jogged some of it too.  The shakiness that stayed with me much of the day on Saturday was a reminder that this is a process.   I still plan to try and run with the more challenging group on Wednesday night, but I'll pay attention to the tickle of unease when I feel it and step back if I need it.  After all, I've provided the universe with enough amusement this week.